Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
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I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.