@PaperWash: before cameras, people would have to say "cheese" for two hours while they got their portrait painted

@Brampersandon_: [zoo] Hey dad, where are mountain lions from? *dad panics* -Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...

@thatUPSdude: Her: We have rats! Me: We do? Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies! Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I'll buy traps.

@timdonakowski: Shout out to politicians for keeping the word "folks" alive.

@JustCallMeFrank: Of course he's going to get re-elected, because once you go Black...