Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
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ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?