ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
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On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”