ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
You Might Also Like
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Cake safety first. Always.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
This is a true ally.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade