ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
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My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.