Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
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me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!