Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
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I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.