Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
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I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?