ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
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When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually