ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
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Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”