ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
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To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.