Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
You Might Also Like
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.