Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
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Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Me too 😆
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.