Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
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“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Herpes is trending, good job people
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi