Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
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I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.