Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
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If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.