Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
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ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.