It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
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Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I’m having an out of money experience.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.