Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I’m not wrong
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.