ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”