ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
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A little too much information.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I didn鈥檛 want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira鈥檚 hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don鈥檛 have to swear this one in
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Please let me in.. 馃槀
Sound on
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
馃幎99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-馃幎Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Ok, I鈥檓 disowning my entire family so that means y鈥檃ll are my family now!
鈥鈥檓 gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.