Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.