Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.