Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
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Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
You’ll be OK
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.