me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
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Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
a god among men
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
It has been 3 years since Monday.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.