me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
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spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Breaking news:
absolutely not
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Hey I worked for it too!
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I know this now 😂
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?