Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline