Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
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BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
At an art museum and I thought this was art
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.