Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I have never related to anyone more.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants