@chuuew: ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
@JessObsess: ME: How are you?
"I can't complain"
ME: Maybe you're not trying hard enough
@purch_s: "Ladies, please report immediately to my pants."
- Me, pretending I'm wearing pants.
@jimmy_sharpe: For lunch today I ate three lunches.
@abbycohenwl: [Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Nothing. Nothing at all
@Phook75: The upside to having kids is how you're able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans