@chuuew: ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
@torrami: Babysitting Pro Tip: Make them play Dungeons & Dragons until they love it so their parents will never have to worry about teenage pregnancy.
@ch000ch: i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
@PercySleeves: I scaled Everest! And I give nicknames to fish.
@pleatedjeans: Wife: did you know there's an "I hate Jeff" group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
@GrantTanaka: If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific