@chuuew: ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
@birbigs: "It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve." -confused homophobe
@Matt_The_1st: I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
@SortaBad: Sorry I can't pay for a new car right now, I'm still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
@phxguy88: A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.