ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
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*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did