Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
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The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Received some very disappointing news today
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Brands during Pride
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
What the hell is going on?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.