ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
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Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed