ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
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Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
The struggle is real