I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
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Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.