Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
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I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.