me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
what’s the point then??
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
How about daylight saves us for once
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking