ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
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me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Wake me when AI does housework
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.