Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
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Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
doing your own taxes
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.