Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
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My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
“i am a sweet baby”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.