Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
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It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.