Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
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The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
not seeing the problem
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.