prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
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INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy