I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW