me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
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A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Me, in DM rooms…
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”