Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
You Might Also Like
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?