Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
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the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t