ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Doug is just Canadian for dog
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder