ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
You wish you had this many chins.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”