No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
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*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Holy shit he’s back
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Bring back the McRib
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
is it earth
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*