me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
You Might Also Like
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.