Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
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Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
eggs benadryl
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
So that’s what we looked like?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?